You Are A Clown: A Short Play

A New Short Comedy

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Originally written as part of Freestyle Repertory Theatre and Synergy Theater’s collaborative on-going online production of Write Away!, the show where 5 playwrights each write a new play in 45 minutes based on audience suggestions, then perform the plays together 10 minutes after that.

Keep an eye out for the suggestions “a street lamp bursts” and “someone starts eating salad out of a shoe.”

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(BILL and ROGER, two old men, are sitting on a bench. There is a street lamp beside them.) 

BILL: It’s been a long time. 

ROGER: Sure has, man.  

BILL: You still got the red nose? 

ROGER: You kidding? Of course, I do! Can’t get rid of a relic like that. 

BILL: You were so funny with that one snot bit. Got me every time, I couldn’t stop laughing.  

ROGER: Aw, you’re sweet, but you had that whole sad vibe without edging on creepy, it was a very impressive tight rope you walked.  

BILL (With false humility): Stop it. 

ROGER: No really, I always thought you could be a Hollywood actor if you wanted to be. Chaplin be damned.  

BILL: Ah, but those are days gone by.  

ROGER: Yeah.  

(Pause) 

ROGER (CON’T): You ever think about getting back into it? 

BILL: Yeah, I do a birthday party every now and then. 

ROGER: No, I mean, really back. Like the whole tent, three ring, everything. 

BILL: Who would come? Kids are all afraid of clowns now.  

ROGER: Damn Stephan King.  

BILL: Can’t make a living like that anymore.  

(The bulb in the street lamp above them shatters. Glass rains down.) 

ROGER: Holy hell!  

BILL: What on Earth! You ok man? 

(ROGER stand still a moment, in shock) 

BILL (CON’T): Hey, you still in there? Buddy, talk to me. You hurt? You look alright, what’s going on? 

ROGER: I got it. 

BILL: Got what? 

ROGER: The world’s greatest idea. 

BILL: Oh boy. 

ROGER: No no no, listen.  

BILL: The last time you said that I ended up doing a clown strip show on a Canadian cruise.  

ROGER: I know I know, but it’s not like that.  

BILL: We’re retired, remember? 

ROGER: Will you JUST- 

BILL: Alright, alright. What’s the idea? 

ROGER: Alright. Now, just stay with me on this one. We get back the clown costumes, the face paint, water shooting flowers, all of it, and we stand in dark alleys, or behind bushes, or just like on the side of the freeway, and we scare the crap out of people.  

(Beat.) 

BILL: Have you gone senile?  

ROGER (Smiling): No. 

BILL: Does that actually sound, what, fun to you? 

ROGER (With eager nods): Yeah.  

BILL: How? 

ROGER: Think about it. We’re clowns, man, that’s what we do. We spent years making people laugh, that’s what clowns were for, but now… clowns are creepy. So, let’s embrace it! I think that light bulb was a sign! Wasn’t that scare the most exciting thing that happened to you this whole week? People love getting scared, that’s why they go into haunted houses and watch scary movies. If we stand on the side of the freeway and some bunch of college aged punks come driving by in their van on their road trip and its almost pitch black but they can just see our shiny red nose peeking out in the moonlight, they’re gonna have something to talk about for days!  

BILL: You could get arrested for that! 

ROGER: Who the hell is gonna be able to describe us to the police? They’ll know they saw a clown, but by the time it’s day and police are out looking we’ll just look like two normal old guys! We’ll never get caught.  

BILL: Look, I know you got a lot of time on your hands, you old bachelor. But I got a wife to be with at night, grandkids to watch in the day, I don’t wanna waste my time running around at night like some freak. 

ROGER: You think I’m a freak? 

BILL: I think that’s a freaky idea you just had.  

(ROGER sits back on the bench disappointed. He takes off his shoe, pulls a fork from behind his ear, and starts eating a salad that he was packing inside his shoe. BILL laughs endearingly.) 

BILL: The old salad shoe. You know I almost forgot you figured out how to make that work. 

ROGER: Seems like you forgot a lot of things. 

BILL: I said almost. I didn’t forget a thing. I love you, man, you know that. But I’m a different person than I was back then. You know, thirty years ago, I would’ve followed you in this whole scare people idea. It’s almost a fun practical joke, if it wasn’t so freakin’ weird. But you wanna do this in place of a life. You need a real life. You need some more friends.  

ROGER: You think I don’t have a life? What exactly do you lounge around doing all day? 

BILL: I relax, I eat, I watch movies, I make out with my wife. It’s a good time.  

ROGER: No… I know you better than that. You may have changed over the years, but I don’t believe for one minute you could totally leave behind the fire that was behind that clown nose I knew. You want to do this with me, I know you do. You’re hiding it! 

BILL: You’re crazy. You really are crazy. 

ROGER: Why won’t you admit it!  

BILL: This is not what I came here for.  

ROGER: Oh, come on.  

BILL: No, I came here to meet up with you because I thought we could just reminisce. I didn’t think this whole occasion would turn into you trying to pull me back into it all!  

ROGER: Look me in the eye and tell me you really don’t want to come and do this with me.  

BILL: No.  

(BILL gets up to leave, but he’s a little shaken and clumsy. He drops his bag and clown paraphernalia tumble out. A nose, a flower, and some face paint.) 

ROGER: I knew it!!  

BILL: This isn’t what it looks like. 

ROGER: Of course, it is. Don’t be a fool. This isn’t the type of thing you can just leave behind.  

BILL: I promised. I promised Ruth I wouldn’t let you do this to me. 

ROGER: But you brought the supplies. You want this, I know you do. 

BILL: She’d leave me! Don’t you understand? She lets me do a birthday every couple of years cause she knows I need it but if I let myself back into this world, I get so involved, there’s no room for her anymore. She knows that. I know that. It could never work!  

ROGER: So, what do you want more? 

BILL: How dare you ask me that. 

ROGER: Answer it.  

BILL: I can’t! I love my wife, I do!  

ROGER: But you NEED to be a clown! Let it embrace you!  

BILL: NO! 

ROGER: Put on the nose. 

BILL: Don’t make me do this. 

ROGER: I’m not making you do anything. This is what you want. 

BILL: It’s not. 

ROGER: Fine. Then put on the nose… and take it off again. 

BILL: What? 

ROGER: If you don’t really need that nose, then you’ll feel just fine putting it on for a moment, and taking it back off.  

BILL: You’re ridiculous.  

ROGER: Put on the nose. 

(Pause.) 

BILL: I don’t think I’ll be able to take it off. 

ROGER: Then admit you need it! Put on the nose!  

BILL: She’ll leave me! 

ROGER: Don’t let her. Leave her first. Come with me. Follow your true self. You are a clown. 

BILL: But- 

ROGER: Say it! You are a clown. 

BILL: I am a husband. 

ROGER: You are a CLOWN. 

BILL: I am… 

ROGER: You are a clown.  

BILL: I am a… 

ROGER: You know it. You can feel it.  

BILL: Clown.  

ROGER: Say it again. 

BILL: I am a clown.  

ROGER: Yes! 

BILL: I am a clown!  

ROGER: YES! 

BILL: I am a clown! I am a clown! I am a clown! I am a CLOWN! 

ROGER: Put on the nose. 

(BILL puts on the red nose.) 

BILL: AAHHHHH 

ROGER: How does it feel? 

BILL: How does THIS feel?! 

(BILL picks up his flower and shoots water in ROGER’s face. BILL laughs maniacally.) 

ROGER: That’s it!! I knew you had it in you. 

BILL: Wanna go find a carnival? We can stand behind the fun house mirrors with a creepy red balloon. 

ROGER: I’d love to.  

(BILL and ROGER run off stage, hand in hand.) 

END OF PLAY