The Red Tiger and the Blue Porcupine: A Short Play
A New Short Science Fiction
This is probably my favorite of the short plays I’ve written. Like the others, this was originally written as part of Freestyle Repertory Theatre and Synergy Theater’s collaborative on-going online production of Write Away! (or a rehearsal thereof or other exercise based on it), the show where 5 playwrights each write a new play in 45 minutes based on audience suggestions, then perform the plays together 10 minutes after that.
The original suggestion was the title “The Red Tiger and The Blue Porcupine” but I’m afraid I can’t recall which other suggestions came in the midst. Please enjoy.
(In a blackout, the voice over of a NEWS REPORTER is heard above sounds of general chaos.)
REPORTER: The Red Tiger and the Blue Porcupine are at it again today. The Porcupine cut his way through the defenses of the First Bank on Second street in our Metropolis downtown, and the Tiger was just seen, his red striped cape blurring through the rotating doors. The Porcupine has managed to enter the safe, we can only hope the Tiger will be able to get in there in time to save our investments.
(Lights come up on the inside of the safe of a bank. PORCUPINE is there collecting the cash.)
TIGER (From offstage): You’ve been caught, Porcupine! There’s no use trying to escape, I won’t let you. Just come out peacefully.
PORCUPINE: Never!! Mwhahahaha!
TIGER (To bank manager offstage): Don’t you worry, ma’am. This money is safe under my watch! Oh, good, and the honorable police force has joined us. Well, that is wonderful. Porcupine! We’ve got you surrounded.
(PORCUPINE stands still, concerned)
TIGER (CON’T): There’s really no way out. No, no, officer, no need to face off with him, this is my fight. You all keep watch out here, I’ll go have a talk with him. See if he’ll see reason.
OFFICER (Offstage): Thank you, Red Tiger.
(TIGER enters the safe – walking onstage. Stares at PORCUPINE)
TIGER (Needlessly loud): Alright, Porcupine! Surrender!
PORCUPINE (Also, oddly loud): I’ll never surrender to you, you Tiger Trash! (PORCUPINE lowers volume, almost to a whisper) Dude, what the hell are we gonna do?
TIGER: I don’t know. I really didn’t think the police would show up.
PORCUPINE: It’s a bank robbery, man, of course they showed up.
TIGER: Hey, you signed on to this plan, this is as much your fault as mine.
PORCUPINE: I thought it was stupid! You kept pushing for it! You said it was a surefire way to get some cash.
TIGER: Well, why would you listen to me? I say stupid shit all the time.
PORCUPINE: Don’t you put this on me! This is exactly what you always do, you drag us into some crazy shenanigan, and then you expect me to get us out of it.
TIGER: Well…. Maybe if you punch me really hard and then take the money and run then-
PORCUPINE: Then the police will catch me, and I’ll get arrested.
TIGER: But I won’t. Then I can suggest they give it to me as a thank you!
PORCUPINE: A thank you for what? Tryin’ real hard?
TIGER: For saving the cash.
PORCUPINE: But if I punch you and run out then you wouldn’t have saved a damn thing.
TIGER: …. Oh. Yeah. Well, you think of something then.
PORCUPINE: It doesn’t matter anymore.
TIGER: What are you talking about?
PORCUPINE: We failed. Alright? This was our last idea! We just wanted to get rich, buy a mansion, retire early, and live the rest of our lives in peace. But it’s not gonna happen. Besides, we’re clearly just a couple of idiots, maybe we don’t even deserve a happy ending.
TIGER: Don’t talk like that Porc. We’re not idiots. Could idiots pull something like this off? The whole city thinks I’m a superhero! I mean, we even used some of your crazy science stuff to pull off the illusion that I can superspeed and pick up trucks and stuff! And sure, this whole idea of mine seemed a bit outrageous, but you believed in me. You believed in us. That’s what got us this far. And that’s what will get us out of here. With, the cash.
PORCUPINE: But there’s no way for us both to get out of here and not get arrested. Our whole plan hinged on the police just trusting you to take me the station – all this talk about God, and divine powers – it was all to get the city on your side. That way I could run out with the cash, get around the corner, you’d follow me alone, and then we’d get in our car and be on our way. We spent weeks building up your reputation! The fearless Red Tiger here to save the city from the maniacal Blue Porcupine. But clearly, it was all for nothing. We only set up the speed illusion by the doorway, there’s no way the police are gonna just let us run out of here at our normal running pace. They’d catch up to us in no time and both our covers would be blown. I wanted to believe in us, but I don’t know if I do anymore.
TIGER: What do you mean you don’t believe in us? You’re just talking about the heist, right?
PORCUPINE: No, Tiger, I mean us.
TIGER: Don’t you dare break up with me in the middle of the bank heist, Porcupine.
PORCUPINE: But our whole life was planned around living in a big beautiful house on the beach! We’re always yelling at each other in our little apartment. We yell about the small kitchen, the lack of natural light, the neighbors – I mean, honey, we spend more time yelling about how the neighbors are yelling then we actually hear the neighbors yell. It’s ridiculous.
TIGER: It’s not always like that. Don’t you pretend it’s always like that, we love each other, Porc!
PORCUPINE: Sure, it’s not always like that. Because sometimes we sit around and think about how things are gonna be when we’re rich. Sometimes, when we sit in bed and imagine it all, the lake, the trees, the island kitchen with one of those fancy flat top stoves, the little robot vacuum cleaning up our crumbs. Sometimes it’s beautiful. I will. I’ll fall! I’ll fall right in love with you all over again whenever I imagine that.
TIGER: And when we work together, we come up with these plans. These brilliant ideas. We spend hours and hours just playing through it all together. Heck, for this one we even sewed costumes for each other right until the sun came up. We have fun, don’t we?
PORCUPINE: We do. We have fun trying. But it’s only fun if you really think you’ll get anything out of it. Tell me, Tiger, you really think we’ll get anything out of this one?
TIGER: Not if you give up on us.
PORCUPINE: Fine. Let’s say I believe. Let’s say I believe in us for 20 more minutes. Is there something we can do in those 20 minutes that’ll get us any closer to our dream?
(Pause)
OFFICER (From offstage): You want back up in there, Tiger?
TIGER (To OFFICER): No, no! I’m alright.
OFFICER: Is he cooperating?
TIGER (To OFFICER): Just give me a little more time!
TIGER (CON’T, To PORCUPINE): Please, just a little more time.
PORCUPINE: For what?
TIGER: For me. For us.
PORCUPINE: I’m sorry, Tiger. I’m done with us. I’m just gonna turn myself in. At least in prison you don’t have to cook in your own filthy kitchen.
TIGER: No!! Porki, please, I’m begging you. You can’t leave me like this.
PORCUPINE: You’ll be fine. They think you’re a hero. And I’m your only enemy. Once I’m in jail, you can go back to an ordinary life.
TIGER: I don’t know what that is if it doesn’t have you in it.
PORCUPINE: My guess: it’ll be some kind of peaceful.
TIGER: I don’t want peaceful. I want you.
PORCUPINE: I just can’t do this anymore.
TIGER: What if I-
PORCUPINE: Please don’t try some other crazy idea. At least this way one of us gets out.
(PORCUPINE exits the safe, hands in the air.)
PORCUPINE (CON’T, To officers offstage): He wouldn’t wait. He had me by the throat, his claws were out. It was too much. I surrender. I’m done fighting.
(TIGER falls to the floor and sits against the wall. OFFICER enters.)
OFFICER: Tiger, you’re incredible! You did it! And not a single cent was lost. The whole city really owes you a great debt. Now, I hope you don’t take this as an offence to your integrity, cause it certainly ain’t meant that way, but I know the city would like to give you something, a thank you. What do you think of 2 million dollars? That’s not even a third what you saved us.
(TIGER puts his head down and cries.)
END OF PLAY.
Thank you for reading! Do you like my writing and want to read more? My primary project is the serialized novel The Legend of Leanna Page with Cedar Flyte. New chapters are released every Sunday. Please go check it out and subscribe to keep up with the story.
“The Red Tiger and The Blue Porcupine” was published as a contribution to Sci-Friday! The science fiction themed day of the week organized by Andrew Smith on Substack. Shout out to the other contributors:
Dré Labre Kevin Alexander Rudy Fischmann BrianAlfred1983 Alejandro Piad Morffis Hannah Yoest Kathryn Vercillo Jeff Kinnard Alex S. Garcia Michael S. Atkinson Ross Bingham Scoot radicaledward Lausanne Davis Carpenter Cole Noble Jordan Moloney John Coon Edward RoosterRedd Oscar Jon T Daniel M. Bensen Zachary Roush Stirling S Newberry Rachel LaDue Eric Goebelbecker Michael Woudenberg Keith Hayden Kay Moulton David Sheley L.L. Ford The Brothers Krynn Michaela McKuen JR CloverS Tallett Rene Volpi Sam Rake Kathrine Elaine Ika Wright
This was a really fun conversation to follow through. It's a sad ending for tiger though. Nice one. Thank you for sharing this. Sorry for reading this late, still playing catch up with all the reading.