Teaching: A Short Play
A funny little piece of history
Originally written as part of Freestyle Repertory Theatre and Synergy Theater’s collaborative on-going online production of Write Away! (or a rehearsal thereof or other exercise based on it… can’t remember now), the show where 5 playwrights each write a new play in 45 minutes based on audience suggestions, then perform the plays together 10 minutes after that.
Keep an eye out for the suggestions “insert the line ‘Everything I just said is a lie’” and “a light suddenly shines.”
CATIE: Johnny you’ll want to take yourself off mute. … No, that’s your video button, we can’t see you now.
GRACE (Whispering): Johnny, again?
(CATIE, without looking away from the screen, indicates for GRACE to leave her alone.)
CATIE: No worries, Johnny. We can see you now, just turn your microphone back on. No, please don’t cry it’s ok, just… Johnny please just. Why don’t you go see if your mom can help you, ok? Ok. Mary, will you please give us the answer?..... Yes. 7 times 7 is 49, thank you very much.
GRACE: See, Johnny, Mary can do it. And she pees in front of the class when your make her present book reports.
(CATIE laughs a bit but tries to keep it under control.)
CATIE: Alight, that’s 5 points for Mary’s team. Very good. … I’m sorry, 5 points for the Monkeys-jumping-on-the-bed-cause-there’s-nothing-else-to-do.
GRACE: I’ll bet Timmy made up that name, am I right?
CATIE: Yes, Timmy, it’s a great team name, I’m sorry I forgot to use it.
GRACE: I knew it.
CATIE: Both teams did very well today. Good job, I’m proud of you. I’ll see you all tomorrow at the same time, and before that, please do the worksheets I emailed out to your parents. … What’s that? Yes, Johnny we can hear you now, but your video’s still off. Oh, there you are. Hi Mrs. Kolowski, it’s nice to see you too. Alright, bye everyo- What’s that? A roman coin? Very cool. …. You picked it up off the street? That’s not v- Never mind. Just go wash your hands. Yes, that’s great I’m glad to hear it say hi to your dad for me see you all tomorrow bye!
(CATIE ends the Zoom call and takes a deep breath.)
GRACE: Who found a Roman coin?
CATIE: Delila. I bet the creepy old man who she lives next to dropped it on one of his walks.
GRACE: She lives next to a creepy old man?
CATIE: Yep. He has a coin collection and he takes walks every day. You’d think I wouldn’t know that, just being her substitute teacher and all, and yet I know that and too much more.
(Pause. GRACE smiles at CATIE.)
GRACE: I’m proud of you.
CATIE: For what?
GRACE: Making the best of a crappy situation.
CATIE: Oh, come on, I’m nothing compared to the guy with the coin collection.
GRACE: Well, he does have a lot going for himself, that’s true.
CATIE: Lots of coins, anyway, if nothing else. I bet it’s nice right now to be retired. It must just be like a long vacation where you can’t leave the house. But you’ve got social security, Medicare, you probably paid off your mortgage. Not a lot of worries.
GRACE: Yeah, it’s pretty nice.
CATIE: You’re not retired, you’re unemployed.
GRACE: Little difference right now.
CATIE: The difference is I have to cover your half of the… of everything.
GRACE: Hey, you said you didn’t mind. It’s just for a little while.
CATIE: We don’t know how long this is gonna be. You said it was just until you got back on your feet, but that was before the world turned off.
GRACE: I know, but, hey, according to the law of Fix-It-For-Dummies, once it turns back on again it’s sure to be good as new. And then I can get out of your hair.
CATIE: Come on, I don’t want you “out of my hair”, sweetie, you know that. But I’ve been thinking, maybe you could do some things to help out more?
GRACE: Like what?
CATIE: Get a job.
GRACE: How am I supposed to get a job right now? The world isn’t exactly working.
CATIE: There’s lots of stuff you could find to do online. Just something to get some extra money in the bank.
GRACE: That’s what the government is supposed to give us.
CATIE: I know, but the government is stupid.
GRACE: What would I even do?
CATIE: I don’t know, it doesn’t have to be a good job.
GRACE: You want me to settle? You always told me to shoot for the stars.
CATIE: It’s not settling, it’s just temporary.
GRACE: So, if I –
(GRACE’s phone rings)
CATIE: Could you take that later?
GRACE: It’s my mom.
CATIE: Ok. Could you take that later?
(GRACE picks up the phone.)
GRACE: Hi Mom … What do you mean everything I just said is a lie? I haven’t said anything yet. … Oh, I see
(GRACE takes the phone off her ear and talks to CATIE)
GRACE (CON’T): She was talking to my dad.
CATIE: Grace, can we please finish our conversation.
GRACE: Just let me see what Mom wants.
CATIE: Actually, why don’t we get her in on this.
GRACE: What, why?
CATIE: I think she might have something interesting to say.
GRACE: She rarely does.
CATIE: Ok. I mean, you told her you got fired from the beauty parlor, right, so I’m not sure why you wouldn’t want you her on the call.
GRACE: … … … No reason.
CATIE: Ok, then.
(GRACE puts phone on speaker mode.)
GRACE: Mom, you’re on speaker. Catie’s here.
GRACE’S MOM (VOICE): Hi dears, how’s the weather where you are? It’s been raining all day here. We just can’t catch a break.
CATIE: The weather’s fine, thank-
GRACE: Oh, we’ve had all sorts of rain too. We can’t even go out on the balcony, it’s all slippery.
CATIE: Mrs. Davis, I want Grace to get a job and help pay some of the bills around our apartment. Thoughts?
(Long pause.)
GRACE’S MOM (VOICE): What’s wrong with her job at the beauty parlor? She told me they’ve got all sorts of online work for her to do.
CATIE: Oh, they might have, that wasn’t the issue.
GRACE: Please stop.
CATIE: You said you told her.
GRACE: Ok, so I didn’t, please stop.
CATIE: You need to start taking more responsibility.
GRACE’S MOM (VOICE): What is she talking about, Gracie?
GRACE: Nothing, Ma, can I call you back?
GRACE’S MOM (VOICE): No, I’d like to talk about this now please.
GRACE (To CATIE): Why did you make me do this?
CATIE: It needed to be done.
GRACE’S MOM (VOICE): Grace…
GRACE: I got fired from the beauty parlor, Mom. … … .. Mom?
(A light shines from Grace’s computer. Her mom is calling to video chat. She answers.)
GRACE’S MOM (VOICE): Look me in the eye and say that one more time.
GRACE: I got fired.
GRACE’S MOM (VOICE): You mean layed off?
GRACE: No, I mean fired.
GRACE’S MOM (VOICE): What did you do?
GRACE: I yelled at my boss.
GRACE’S MOM (VOICE): Good gracious, Grace, and your girlfriend’s been covering your little patootie ever since?
GRACE: Yeah.
GRACE’S MOM (VOICE): Look at my face and tell me what you need to do.
GRACE: Get a job.
(CATIE stands to the side, looking smug.)
END OF PLAY.
Thank you for reading! Do you like my writing and want to read more? My primary project is the serialized novel The Legend of Leanna Page with Cedar Flyte. New chapters are released every Sunday. Please go check it out and subscribe to keep up with the story!
