Non-Disclosure Agreement: A Short Play

A funny take on the afterlife

This play was originally written as part of Freestyle Repertory Theatre and Synergy Theater’s collaborative on-going online production of Write Away! (or a rehearsal thereof or other exercise based on it… can’t remember now), the show where 5 playwrights each write a new play in 45 minutes based on audience suggestions, then perform the plays together 10 minutes after that.

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Without further ado, please enjoy “Non-Disclosure Agreement.”

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(Bright lights rise on PAUL and ANGEL in the Entrance Portal Room.)

ANGEL: Just sign here, Paul.

PAUL: I’m sorry, what?

ANGEL: I’m required to have you sign on the line before I let you through the gates.

PAUL: Wait, where am I?

ANGEL: I am only at liberty to say that you are no longer on earth.

PAUL: Am I dead?

ANGEL: You are.

PAUL: Am I in heaven?

ANGEL: Paul, please, just sign here. Everything is going to be fine.

PAUL: Hold on, I’m not just gonna sign some document without reading it.

ANGEL: It simply reads that the signer herein swears to maintain the confidentiality of all he or she sees, smells, hears, feels, or experiences within the bounds of what lies beyond.

PAUL: Well, is there any way to return to something that isn’t included in “what lies beyond”?

ANGEL: I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to say.

PAUL: What if I sign it but then I break my vow.

ANGEL: You will be forbidden forever from passing through the gates.

PAUL: This seems sketchy.

ANGEL: Paul, please. Look at me. (ANGEL’s wings sparkle.) Would I deceive you?

PAUL: You look a bit like my ex-wife.

ANGEL: I resemble she who you most loved.

PAUL: Yeah, well, she deceived me, so why the hell should I trust you?

ANGEL: Please don’t use such language here.

PAUL: Where is here??

ANGEL: I’m not at liberty to say!

PAUL: What if I refuse to sign?

ANGEL: What?

PAUL: What if I don’t sign? What happens to me then?

ANGEL: Why would you refuse to sign?

PAUL: I don’t like keeping secrets. I don’t want to sign on to keeping a secret that I haven’t even heard yet.

ANGEL: I’ve never met a human so difficult.

PAUL: Ah, so you’re definitely not human. Wonderful, now I know something.

ANGEL: Look, Paul, this is just my job. We all got jobs up here, and this is mine. There are two kinds of time, the time that you enjoy, and the time you just get through. I got 100 more humans worth of my time to get through, would you please just sign the form and walk through the gates?

PAUL: No.

ANGEL: Are you serious?

PAUL: Yes.

ANGEL: If I made myself look like Mother Theresa would you change your mind?

PAUL: No.

ANGEL: You can’t not sign the form.

PAUL: Why?

ANGEL: Everybody signs the form.

PAUL: What are you gonna do about it?

ANGEL: I…. I suppose I could get the manager…. But that sounds dumb.

PAUL: Who’s the manager?

ANGEL: You’re not supposed to know this until you sign the form.

PAUL: Did you sign the form?

ANGEL: Me? No, of course not.

PAUL: Why?

ANGEL: I never died, that’s not how it works.

PAUL: So, you could tell me anything, really.

ANGEL: It’s not the policy.

PAUL: Who’s policy?

ANGEL: (Pause.)  If I tell you, and I then add a retroactive clause to the agreement, would you sign it then?

PAUL: Maybe.

ANGEL: NO. I can’t. This is insane. He could smite me.

PAUL: Who, God?

ANGEL: Yes, God.

PAUL: So, he’s real?

ANGEL: Yes.

PAUL: Like in the bible, that god?

ANGEL: That’s the one you signed up for.

PAUL: So, the god of bible really exists? He got my prayers and everything?

ANGEL: I really shouldn’t be telling you this.

PAUL: Come on.

ANGEL: Yes, he got your prayers.

PAUL: That bastard.

ANGEL: Excuse me?

PAUL: I asked him HOW many times to help me and my wife?! Hundreds! I went to church every freaking day, and for what?? Why in the hell?

ANGEL: Paul, please!!

PAUL: What? You don’t like it when I say “hell”?

ANGEL: It’s a bit frowned upon up here.

PAUL: HELL HELL HELL HELL HELL Like I give a damn.

ANGEL: Alright… (puts finger to ear) Michael, I need some assistance in Entrance portal 3.

(MICHAEL enters.)

MICHAEL: How dare you summon me. This is highly irregular.

PAUL: Hey, Mike, your dad’s a jackass and he can go to hell.

ANGEL: He won’t sign the form.

MICHAEL: I see. Sir, I have to inform you this gate portal is one of infinity and as long as you chose to leave the form unsigned, that is as long as you will remain here.

ANGEL: Wait, what?

PAUL: So, this is my afterlife?

MICHAEL: The afterlife more requested is through those pearly gates, but if you refuse to sign the form it will never be seen by you.

ANGEL: Wait, Michael, there must be some way to force him elsewhere, right?

MICHAEL: No.

ANGEL: But we’re not permitted to leave humans unattended in the gate portals.

MICHAEL: Correct.

ANGEL: And each gate portal is individually assigned to each angel. There’s no exchanging shifts.

MICHAEL: Your point?

ANGEL: If he’s here for eternity, then I’d be here for eternity.

MICHAEL: Splendid, you understand. Sort it out.

(MICHAEL exits.)

ANGEL: Sign the form, Paul. Now.

PAUL: Hold on, are you really gonna let him treat you that way?

ANGEL: Don’t turn this around on me! Before you got here, I didn’t have any problems with my superiors!

PAUL: Maybe not, but clearly they don’t respect you.

ANGEL: JUST SIGN THE GOD DAMNED FORM, PAUL!

(Beat. ANGEL is shocked at their own words.)

PAUL: I was beginning to get worried you’d say something you regret. Good thing you caught yourself before you said- oh wait.

ANGEL: Oh my god.

PAUL: Now are you actually putting a call through, or is that just a saying up here too?

ANGEL: Shut up. I’m through. I’m finished.

PAUL: I don’t think so.

ANGEL: Oh, what do you know?

PAUL: I know there seems to be more to you than just this job. And I know there’s some reason God makes everybody sign these forms.

ANGEL: I’m not at liberty—

PAUL: You’re also not at liberty to curse out your lord and employer, but here we are.

ANGEL: Fine. We have to make sure you sign it in case you decide to go back.

PAUL: How do I go back?

ANGEL: Each soul is automatically distributed into the afterlife of their earthly religious choosing or upbringing. If you invoke the Post-Humous Conversion Clause, you could opt to be reincarnated instead.

PAUL: Really?

ANGEL: Yeah. In the really early times, when Heaven was just starting to be rolled out, we weren’t so strict about it and someone who decided to go back had a dream one day where they remembered everything. They ended up writing down the bible.

PAUL: Woah.

ANGEL: We got filled up so fast it wasn’t so much like a paradise as a subway car in rush hour. We’ve had to be more careful about that ever since.

PAUL: Do you like it here?

ANGEL: I’ve never been anywhere else.

PAUL: Is it really like playing on clouds?

ANGEL: Every minute of the day.

PAUL: And there’s no sadness or anger?

ANGEL: Nope. No extreme emotions of any kind.

PAUL: Jealousy?

ANGEL: Nope.

PAUL: Passion?

ANGEL: No.

PAUL: Elation?

ANGEL: I’m afraid not.

PAUL: I see. So, you’ve never felt any of those things?

ANGEL: Sometimes I think pretending to be human for the sake of all you newcomers rubs off on me a bit, but really those types of feelings only exist on Earth.

PAUL: Then let’s go back.

ANGEL (Laughs): What?

PAUL: Let’s both get reincarnated.

ANGEL: I can arrange that for you if you sign the form.

PAUL: Not me, both of us.

ANGEL: I can’t be reincarnated.

PAUL: Why not?

ANGEL: I’ve never been incarnated.

PAUL: First time for everything.

ANGEL: You just don’t want me to make you sign the form.

PAUL: Maybe.

ANGEL: There’s nothing I can do to change your mind?

PAUL: Nope.

ANGEL: You know I can do almost anything?

PAUL: I understand.

ANGEL: I don’t. Why are you so steadfast about this?

PAUL: I told you.

ANGEL: Why really?

PAUL: I have a kid. His seventh birthday is tomorrow.

ANGEL: Even if you’re reincarnated, you won’t make it. You’ll also be a different person, and a baby, assuming you’re human at all.

PAUL: When my wife left us for the pastor’s brother, I promised my kid I’d always be around. I don’t care what I am, I just need to be around.

ANGEL: One day, if you remembered heaven, would you tell him?

PAUL: Yeah. I’d tell him he can choose whatever kind of life, or afterlife, that he wants.

ANGEL: Would you mind keeping that just between you two?

PAUL: I’m not signing any promises.

ANGEL: I suppose I’d rather not be here when all heaven breaks loose. You think I’d make it down there?

PAUL: I thought you said it was impossible.

ANGEL: There’s a first time for everything. Plus, I’m an angel. I’ll make a miracle.

PAUL: You know how to punch a clock. I’d say you’ll fit in just fine.

ANGEL: I think maybe I’d like to be a painter.

PAUL: That works too.

ANGEL: Alright. What the hell. (Checks for eyes watching them.) This way.

(They exit. Blackout.)

END OF PLAY.

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Thank you for reading! Do you like my writing and want to read more? My primary project is the serialized novel The Legend of Leanna Page with Cedar Flyte. New chapters are released every Saturday. Please go check it out and subscribe to keep up with the story!