Originally written as part of Freestyle Repertory Theatre and Synergy Theater’s collaborative on-going online production of Write Away! (or a rehearsal thereof or other exercise based on it… can’t remember now), the show where 5 playwrights each write a new play in 45 minutes based on audience suggestions, then perform the plays together 10 minutes after that.
Based on the original suggestion: “Dancing fruits and vegetables where one explodes with possibly helicopters crashing.” Keep an eye out for the other suggestions “lights start flashing to a disco rhythm” and “Insert the line ‘Ghosts! Them’s tricky!’”
(JON and RICKY are in a helicopter. JON is controlling the aircraft and is incredibly stressed. RICKY is… not.)
RICKY: Hey, hey, dude, come check this out.
JON (yelling): What??
RICKY: Come here!
JON (still screaming): I’m flying a freakin’ helicopter! Can you just tell me what you want??
RICKY: I wanna show you something!
JON (etc.): What do you not understand about the fact that I am flying a freakin helicopter!!!!?
RICKY: Sheesh would you just put these headphones on and stop screaming?
JON: I can’t take my hands off the wheel!
RICKY: Just for a second!
JON: UUGGGHH.
(JON lets go of the wheel for a second, throws headphones on, and lurches back to grab onto wheel again.)
RICKY: Woah, watch the turbulence there.
JON (no longer screaming): I despise you.
RICKY: Love you too buddy, just come here, look at this.
JON: Tell me what you want.
RICKY: It’s this (Controlling laughter)… this adorable little video with these (laughs)…
JON: You’re still high aren’t you?
RICKY: Haha high in the AIR for sure! (laughs too much)
JON: High on weed, idiot. You’re high on weed. We manage to make it out of the highest security prison with nothing but a thrifted helicopter and while I’m here trying to make sure we don’t DIE, you’re high on weed.
RICKY: (trying to hold in laughter): No. No, I am not. I am not high. Not even (overenunciates…) intoxicated.
JON: No wonder you couldn’t make it as a crime lord. Terrible, terrible liar.
RICKY: Woah. Alright. Low blow.
JON: I should’ve just left you there.
RICKY: Excuse me!!?
JON: You’re useless.
RICKY (Legitimately defensive): I’m good company!
JON: We’ve been cellmates for over a decade. I’ve had enough of your company.
RICKY: You love me.
JON: I really don’t know that I do.
RICKY: Say it.
JON: No.
RICKY: Say you love me.
JON (Seeing something in distance): Stop talking.
RICKY: Say you love me!
JON: Shut up! Something’s following us.
RICKY: What?
JON: Shhhhh.
RICKY: We’re in helicopter. I could scream and they wouldn’t hear me.
JON: I can hear you, and I need to concentrate.
RICKY (Getting sidetracked): I don’t see why you think it’s so bad I’m trying to celebrate. I’m finally able to relax after 13 horrible years and all you can do is—
JON: They’re getting closer.
RICKY: Who?
JON: Whoever’s following us.
RICKY: Hold on.
JON: What?
RICKY: My phone’s dying, where’s that charger. Oh, there it is. (Plugs phone into wire). Oh. There’s no outlets in here is there.
JON: Do you even care??
RICKY: About what?
JON: About the person following us!
RICKY: Oh that. I mean, I guess so.
JON: I’m sure they’re from the prison. They’ve caught up to us, they must have.
RICKY: Alright, so worst case scenario we go back to prison.
JON: YEAH! That would really suck, man!
RICKY: Oh, or I guess they could shoot us down or blow us up or something. Yeah, that’d be worse.
JON: YEAH!!!!!! That’d be worse!!!!!
RICKY: Alright, so fly away.
JON: I’VE NEVER FLOWN A HELICOPTER BEFORE.
RICKY: You’re doing great.
JON: UGH. This is so like you.
RICKY: What is?
JON: Something serious happens and instead of driving and finding a way out you just let go of the reins.
RICKY: I take control plenty.
JON: HA.
RICKY: I took control of that last job I pulled 13 years ago.
JON: I’m not talking about that.
RICKY: Well, I am. I took control, did the thing myself after years of delegating to prove I’m a man or some stupid shit like that and I ended up in a cell with you. So, you know what? You can fuckin’ drive.
JON: They’re still closer.
RICKY: Of course they’re closer. They’re gonna keep getting closer.
JON: There’s a door opening up.
RICKY: Oh?
JON: It’s someone with a gun.
RICKY: Makes sense. That’s what they do in the movies.
JON: What am I supposed to do???
RICKY (Shrugs): Take a left.
(They both lean to the right as JON makes a sharp turn to the left.)
JON: Woah! That was amazing!
RICKY: What was?
JON: You didn’t see that? They started shooting just as I turned and we dodged like 20 bullets!
RICKY: Seriously?
JON: What do I do next?
RICKY: I—I—I don’t know. That was a random clueless thought. I told you I’m not good at---
JON: WHAT DO I DO NEXT???
RICKY: DIVE DOWN!
(They each jolt back as the helicopter dives.)
JON: YES!
RICKY: NO. NO NO NO nonono. I can’t do this.
JON: This is incredible! You’re incredible! Come here! Drive!
RICKY: I’m literally high!!
JON: But you know which way to go!
(JON looks away from front window back to RICKY.)
RICKY: No I-- look ahead of you!—ugh, right! Go right!
(They do.)
JON: See?? You’re like psychic.
RICKY: There was a rock in the way buddy, just look where you’re going!
JON: Oh, oh, ok.
(JON’s phone flashlight starts flashing)
RICKY: What’s going on with your phone flashlight? It’s going off to like a disco rhythm or something.
JON: Oh, hold on I’m getting a call. Grab the wheel.
(JON lets go of the wheel and RICKY desperately sit in the other cockpit seat and grabs onto the other wheel.)
RICKY: THIS IS REALLY NOT THE TIME.
JON (talking on the phone): Hello?
RICKY: Seriously? You’re taking the call??
JON: A deal? Maybe, we’re listening.
RICKY: Who is it?? Are those people still shooting?
JON: It’s the government (eye roll). They’re offering not to blow us up if we surrender and accept 30 more years tacked onto our life sentences.
RICKY: What, like they’re gonna hold our ghosts in the cell or something?
JON: Ghosts! Them’s tricky!
RICKY: What is up with you right now?? You’re acting like me.
JON: Apparently that’s all it took to get you acting like me.
RICKY: I’m still high as hell right now, man!
JON (back on phone): You know what? I’m gonna act a little more like my partner in crime today.
RICKY: BAD IDEA!
JON (on phone): We’re not taking the deal.
RICKY: We’re not?
JON (on phone): Go ahead. Blow us up.
RICKY: I DO NOT AGREE TO THAT.
JON (on phone): See ya suckers. (Hangs up phone.)
(JON gets out of cockpit and starts gathering supplies.)
RICKY: Did you just hang up on the government?
JON: Yep. Come on. We’re jumping.
RICKY: Are you insane???
JON: If you can fly a helicopter high – ha, pun now intended – then you can fall out of one. Come on, we’re not going back in a cell.
RICKY: Uhhhhhh, ok.
JON: Come over here.
RICKY: I am literally flying a helicopter right now.
JON: Put it on autopilot.
RICKY: THERE’S AN AUTOPILOT???
JON: Yeah, I found it while I was talking on the phone. It’s that blue button over there.
(RICKY, exasperated, pushes button and goes over to the back with JON.)
JON: Step in here, straps go here and here, yeah there you go. You ready?
RICKY: Um—
JON: JUMP.
(They jump. Helicopter explodes above them. Dog barks in the nearby distance. As they’re falling:)
RICKY: Woah! Well, that was close.
JON: Too close frankly.
RICKY: But you hear that dog?
JON (smiles): Yeah.
RICKY: We’re close to civilization.
JON: Yeah.
RICKY: Thank you for putting that plan together.
JON: It’s not over yet. We still have to get to the ground.
RICKY: I’m counting this a success. Unless I’m just hallucinating. But can weed actually be this strong?
JON: Nah man. This is real.
RICKY: Sweet.
JON: I’m sorry I said I should’ve left you behind. You did real good.
RICKY: You know, when I don’t try I actually do pretty ok.
JON: What a great lesson to learn from all this.
RICKY: Yeah.
JON: Oh, what was that thing you wanted to show me?
RICKY: Oh! It was great! It was this hilarious little video of dancing fruits and vegetables.
JON (smiles): Awesome.
END OF PLAY.
Thank you for reading! Do you like my writing and want to read more? My primary project is the serialized novel The Legend of Leanna Page with
. New chapters are released every Sunday. Hey, that’s today! Yeah, new chapter today! Please go check it out and subscribe to keep up with the story.“High Up” was published as a contribution to Funny Sun(ny)day! The comedy themed day of the week I organize on Substack. Shout out to the other Funnies:
I’m definitely going to try my hand at some comedy writing so I can participate next week!